Summary: the five minute reply rule states that you must wait five minutes to reply to a text especially when things are heated or an argument is ongoing. This helps the other person convey their thoughts and feel heard.
- Once you receive a message from someone, wait for 5 minutes before you consider replying.
- Give them the time to add to it or even delete (or unsend) the message.
- This lets them feel that they are being heard and their opinions matter.
- And fives minutes is enough time to convey their thoughts (you can wait 10 to 15 minutes too, 5 minutes is the minimum).
Why do we need the five minute reply rule?
In our relationships with people and in professional settings we might reach an unwanted place where an argument ensues.
This can lead to a barrage of texts, long messages that take time to type out and misunderstandings when texts are exchanged back and forth in a short timespan.
People text quickly and with little logic when they are upset
When people are upset, they tend to write down their emotions the same speed as the way they think things through (gosh I could not resist the alliteration).
This can lead to mean, rude and even unprofessional things being said in a matter of seconds that can quickly turn the relationship sour.
You then tend to give back the same energy
When you receive a text that is untoward or upsetting, it is likely that you stay flicking your fingers on the 6 inch screen you own; maybe even your fancy keyboard with creamy click sounds.
Now we have two apes bashing their fingers to insult, blame and undermine each other without being face to face.
Texts can create misunderstandings and further confusion
We are often misinterpreted by the texts we send; more so when the recipient is upset.
Therefore, it can lead to this barrage continuing for an agonisingly long time with no resolution in near sight.
This is where the five minute reply rule comes into play
The five minute reply rule gives the recipient five minutes to pour down their thoughts and have their say.
On the other hand, it provides you enough time to calm down, assess the situation and later reply with something kinder, nicer or a diffusion.
It often takes five minutes to type down everything
Unless they are sending you a 1000 word wall of text (in which case it would be longer than the length of this blog post) it should take no more for them to get their point across.
Some people text in one single paragraph while others will send 10 lines of text before they calm down - all in the span of under five minutes on average (perhaps I have upset way too many people to have such a sample size).
Those five minutes of not replying will help you settle in
Instantly replying to a text full of animosity or anger will only lead to them being upset more.
On the other hand, you might feel agitated too and make mistakes or say things that make irreparable damage.
Taking 5 minutes or more can help you settle in, understand their perspective and reply with something that is "very mindful, very demure."
What's the hurry anyway?
In most cases if you are replying within seconds, these are some of the reasons:
Personal life:
- You are too attached and want to dive right in.
- You want to go on the offensive right away.
- You want to return the serve and rally.
- You have time on hand to waste.
There's no hurry; I turn off read receipts for the same reason.
I can open the text, read the contents and come back later when I am in a better mood.
Professional life:
- Someone has undermined me.
- Someone has insulted my professional acumen.
- Someone has blamed me for something I did not do.
- Someone has accused me unfairly of something I have no relation to.
These things can happen at work; going right away to tackle that situation only signals that you are fighting only for yourself, had too much free time to begin with, etc. This is open to interpretation based on where you work and what your culture is like.
If you get into an argument over email or text, it is best to take your own time to reply (as long as professionally acceptable) and then tackle it in the best way forward.
Here are some things you can lead with:
- How can I make things right?
- Is there a common ground we can agree on?
- Let's find the best possible solution for both of us.
- I believe it would be best in our collective interest to discuss this further on a call with our team.
Diffusing a tense situation is a part of communication that we often overlook.
In general, we must practice the act of stopping fires and bringing calm to those that witness it.
The idea is to eliminate chaos and put your best foot forward to solve a situation.
This includes giving them five minutes or more to reply, this includes being patient and this includes listening before acting.
It's one of those situations where you will need to read, retract, reason and then react. Takes time for sure, but it will be worth it in the end.
You do not want to end personal or professional relationships over texts, be it friends, partners, colleagues, founders, etc.
Your goal is to control the tempo when others opt not to; and this is where the five minute rule comes into play.
If you like minimalism and productivity, then you might love my writings on reducing your screen time or building businesses faster.
Always available for a chat on social media platforms: @anthonysmendes.
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